Hey, so I have an important
email to write you...this week has been the most important week of my mission.
I've been fasting and praying to be able to know how to tell you things and
trust that the Lord will help me like He did this week. Last Tuesday, we had
interviews with President Smith where he spoke with so much power and spirit;
testifying of the blessings of true repentance and the eternal consequences if
we didn't fully repent. He said that Godly sorrow leads us to not only forsake
the sin, but confess it also. I immediately felt the spirit tell me that I had
to repent and I saw the future blessings I'd receive if I would choose to truly
repent. I told E' Liporada that I was going to go into a room and pray. In my
prayer I begged Heavenly Father to help me go through with what the Spirit was
telling me to do. As I entered into the room with President Smith, I felt
Christ's presence with me. I confessed about the sins that I committed before
the mission, which I had abandoned but never confessed. After I told him, he
told me that he was so proud of me and wanted to know what changed. Why had I told him then and not 20 months ago?
I talked about my Patriarchal Blessing. There are promises about my wife, kids
and membership in the church. There's a part that says, “There will be times of
difficulty in your life, Cameron. There will be challenges and things that will
test your resolve to keep the commandments and live honestly doing what is
right. It is important that you commit NOW and make plans NOW to be completely
honest throughout your life, to demonstrate integrity and truthfulness in ALL
you do.” I knew that if I were to go
through the entire mission unworthily lying/deceiving my family, friends,
companions, President Smith, converts, myself and the Lord, then I would never
receive the blessings in my Patriarchal Blessing. I'd never be honest. Satan
had me think that if I confessed, I'd let down so many people. I feared man,
not God. When I felt the Spirit as President was talking, it was different. He
made me think of the blessings of repenting. I felt that I'm sure I'd let a lot
of people down. I'd let my parents down (who have done everything for me). I'd
let my older brother down (who was the perfect example I needed to follow). I'd
let my best friend and little brother down (who has looked up to me so much and
who I've prayed for God to protect him and strengthen him so that he doesn't
have to pass through the same things I have). I'd let my little sister down.
I'd let the inspired companions down that the Lord has placed in my life. I'd
probably let President down. But I knew
that my mom and dad care more about me being able to be with them in Heaven
than for me ‘save face’. I knew that my testimony to my younger siblings about
the true healing power of the atonement of Christ is more important than anything.
Half of the companions I've had went through the same experiences and would
love me just as much. I know now that President Smith loves me so much and has changed
my life. He saved my life! I'm so
grateful for him. I explained to him that I knew that if I fully repented and
did things the Lord's way, that in the future, after the consequences for my
procrastination, I'd be blessed. I'd be able to, like it says in my patriarchal
blessing, ''stay close to the Holy Ghost and allow Heavenly Father to guide me.
As I do this, our paths will cross and I will understand who she is (my eternal
companion) as I meet her for the first time.'' I knew that I'd be able to raise
my children without lying to them every time I talked about the mission ''I
served''. But more than anything, I'd be able to feel God's presence in my life
ALWAYS. I'd be able to partake of the sacrament worthily. I'd be able to
actually enter into the temple worthily. I'd be able to feel the Spirit even
more than I've felt it in the past. I'd be able to have Christ with me at all
times like when He was with me in the decision I was choosing to make.
President told me that he knew that I would be blessed. He said that his family
absolutely loves me. His son Jerry wants to be just like me. He says that every
missionary respects and loves me and that he was going to have me be his assistant
this upcoming change. He said that he is so impressed with how much I've grown
in these 20 months. He said that he's not sure what's going to happen to me and
I told him that I didn't care what happened to me. I just wanted to know what I
have to do to fully repent. He said that the chains of Satan are no longer over
me. I'm free. The second I made the decision to repent and confess he lost all
power over me. Now I just have to finish up the repentance process with the
Lord's help and apply everything I've learned to not fall again. He doesn't
think that I have a need to go home and that I should stay here then finish up
any necessary repenting when I got home. He said that I've learned everything
that I needed to learn from a mission and that the mission isn't as important
as putting in practice what we learn after the mission. He told me to work with
all my might to preach the gospel and help others feel the happiness of
Christ's atonement like I was feeling it.
I
was able to talk to President Hinton and ask for forgiveness. He said that he
loves me and that he's so happy that I made the decision to repent. It felt
good to tell him, but I know that I'm going to need to ask for forgiveness from
so many people before I receive the forgiveness that matters most, my Heavenly
Father's.
I'm
so sorry Mom...I'm sorry for lying to you so much and for putting you through
this. I never want to disobey you again. I never want you to have to worry
about whether or not I'll be with you again after this life. I remember when we
had a family home evening when I was like 7 or something and I asked you, ''will
I make it to the celestial kingdom, Mom?'' and you said, ''Cameron, I KNOW that
you're going to make it. Don't you worry about it.'' I also remember you saying
that your mission in life was to make sure your boys serve missions. I may have
let you down on that one but I hope you'll be able to forgive me and trust and help
me enough to not let you down on the celestial kingdom one.
I
remember when Dad had a dream where I was sneaking off with a girl. He told me
that it troubled him and that he wanted to know if I was ok. I told him I was ok but I wasn't. I want to
ask Dad for forgiveness again like I have in the past. He told me that he was
going to find his mission stuff and share it with me when I get home. I'm so
grateful for the mission that he served. It hurts me so much that I procrastinated
my repentance and was a fraud for 20 months of my mission. When I become worthy
to go to the temple I want to make it traditional thing where we go. I'm so
grateful for all the years that he took us to Priesthood session and then asked
us about our favorite talks. I will cherish every experience he's given me to
help him believe that he is the best father a son can have.
On
the mission I've learned to have weekly talks with my companion to see how he's
doing and what we need to do to make sure that we absolutely love each other
and that there is no contention in our companionship. I'm going to do the same
things with my brothers and sister. I hope they'll be able to forgive me and
know that I love them so much. I don't care about any friends because they are
the best friends I could have. It doesn't matter where I'll be, I'm going to
talk to them weekly and see what I can do to be a better brother or what they
need.
I
know that Heavenly Father loves me. He has sent me so many people and has done
so much to humble me and help me make the decision to get back on the path back
to Him. I'm so glad that I made the choice to repent before conference because
honestly, it was just for me. I was fasting and praying for the Lord to tell me
what I'd need to do so that I can complete my repentance process and so that I
don't fall again after I fully repent. I was so amazed at what was said in the
first session. Pres Eyring talked about the protection and importance of
Fasting and paying a generous offering. Three of the six talks were about
marriage and had an emphasis on, ''it's not good for man to be alone.'' Priesthood
session was so incredible. Ballard's interview helped me so much. Pres Uchtdorf
described me to perfection. FAKE. If President Smith didn't help me enough to
repent I know that this conference would have done the job. I can totally
relate to Shakespeare’s play that Elder Dale G. Redlun quoted when he
said,''Twas I but tis not I.'' It's so much easier to tell people about what I
was now that I'm focusing on being what God wants me to be. I'm trying to do
what Elder Zeballos (who has spoken to our mission 3 times since I've been here
in Uruguay) said. Step four is being 100% willing to accept the Lord's will. I
don't know where I’m headed but I'm willing to do what He wants. The talk about
enduring to the end was incredible. I can't tell you everything I learned but
it was for sure inspired.
In
response to your email. We did notice
the opposing votes in conference. I did
receive the two packages. I haven't received the Easter one. Thank you so much
for all that you do. Thanks for your prayers. For right now I'll be with E'
Lipo here in Montevideo... I'm sorry for everything, and I love you so
much.
E’ McRae
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